Alright, I am going to try something new. I just out of a movie with my friend, and I feel inspired to write. However, I have to drive home, so I'm going to try doing voice-to-text because I can spend up to an hour or more on a blog post, and I would also like to go to bed.
[awkward pause as I look down at my phone and realize I selected the wrong audio recording setting]
Twisters. What a movie. It takes place in the Heartland, which is where I grew up. I mean, I spent over a decade in Arkansas and going back and forth into Oklahoma. I've driven those states. I've stared at that sky, watched those clouds roll by, been around those people, been around the strong life that they bring. And, it's just too bad that I had to shut down all of my feelings.
I wrote a letter to life back when I was 18 or 19. It was a twisted love letter, which is very ironic because that is the name of the movie I just watched, Twisters. But, it WAS a very twisted love letter. So, I'd like to write life a new letter. I feel like I've done this, so maybe I'm just updating. Maybe I'm going to write life a bunch of letters.
It's kinda like writing a letter to God. God is the creator of life, through him, in him, all things flow, and God is in all of us, in the experiences negative or positive - well not negative or positive, emotions just tell us things - but whether they're painfully pleasant or painfully uncomfortable... I guess pain would be uncomfortable both ways... I don't know what words I'm going for...
Okay.
Dear Life, Man you're just SO, SO GOOD. I really do love you. And, I'm so glad to be alive.
Before, I imagined my future as very calculated and overwhelming. The world is overwhelming with possibilities and choices, and so I made a calculated decision. I was like, Alright, gotta go into engineering. Okay, that narrows the field. The environment is in shambles, going down that road, so why not environmental engineering? As the overwhelmingness of life grew, I couldn't handle it. It was like whiplash. Excitement. Disappointment. Excitement. Disappointment. Frustration. "Stop feeling so much!" Ugh. "That's just how life is!" "Don't have feelings!" So, I turned them off. I truly feel like I did, not completely, but some of them. I stopped letting myself get excited. I lost hope. I lost joy. I needed help. I was crying for help. Nobody was paying me any attention. My parents were busy. My teachers were busy. My coach was there for me. One teacher was there for me. When I told them, they listened. But, they aren't professionals; they didn't know how to help, but they did know how to get me help.
But, the damage had already been done. The spiral had begun. I was fading. The voice inside me was growing louder. With each thought that I fed it, it grew stronger. It consumed me. I hated it; it hurt. The struggle was real (chuckles).
If this is what life was going to be, I don't want it. What's wrong with me?? Everyone doesn't have it this hard. I sat in that place for years. And then, I felt a little bit better? No, no I didn't. I thought I felt better - and this is the thing - at times the monster would be silent, and so I thought the monster was gone. But, it wasn't. It was waiting, regrouping to re-attack. I let my guard down. I got hopeful. I started working harder. I've always had a strong drive. I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. And the monster, with camouflage time, pushed, and it pushed, and it pushed. I was like, What? Look outside, the sky is clear, I don't see a dragon. And it nearly killed me that second time. I got so close, just like at the beginning, to ending my life. Yet, I didn't want to. I didn't want to! That was the tragedy. The voices were telling me to kill myself, and they sounded so believable, but that's not what I wanted. So, I got help. I put myself back in the hospital. The doctors said, "Yep, the monster's back." What? I thought he went away. "Nope, he's still here." Whelp, that makes a lot of sense, actually. I'm glad you could see him. Thank you for showing me how.
I got on medication - the right medication. I mean, I had BPD but I didn't know it, when I was on meds the last time. The doctors just thought it was depression. So, of course the antidepressants weren't going to "fix me" when I had much deeper issues of BPD. And then, I tackled, maybe that's what I did, I tackled the BPD monster. Like in the movie Avatar, I wrestled with it, fell from the sky with it, and then we now ride together. But the depression dragon. Oh, the depression dragon. You can have multiple dragons at once - crazy. I mean, they say comorbidity - that you can have multiple illnesses at once. But it's all in one brain, so I thought I just had one monster. But no, I have two or three or four or five. And, I'm learning how to wrestle them. I'm learning how to sit with them. I'm learning how to listen from them.
And so, I did, I got on meds. I got another round of TMS. And wow, what a difference that makes. First the dose was 20mg, and I had peace. It was weird; I didn't feel like me. I was worried my emotions were gone. It's not that my emotions were gone. It was the dragon, the voice, the mortal enemy thoughts, that were gone. Then, I upped my game, and my dragon upped its game. I increased my dose again. That worked for a little while. I worked even harder, and man that dragon just grew stronger.
So, here I am. Seven years later. But not really, a lifetime later, my lifetime later. I know what I'm up against. I know what I bring to the fight. And, I'm finally able to get myself inner aligned. It's like the light in me, instead of getting cut off or diminished or scattered - the mirror inside of me was broke in five different pieces and I finally aligned them - and now the light, the life, that is able to be reflected in me is healing. And so, I'm right back to where I was. That wondrous kid. Amazed at all the little and big. The ordinary is special... because that is where God is.
So, thank you Life for keeping me strong. I look forward to enjoying more of you and for figuring out where I fit in the world now that I know who I am again.
I do, I miss Arkansas. It's true. I try to deny it, and I only get so far. I can't go back yet though. The University of Cincinnati has a really good psychology program, so I'm here until I graduate. And then, I have to go somewhere for seminary because I know Arkansas doesn't have an ELCA seminary. But I'll be back, just you see. Because there are other little girls, other parents, other siblings, teachers and coaches who need to hear my story because that's why we study history. To help us, to give us a boost. To make life for us a little less tough.
-Signing off.
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