It's been a rough September. I'm not sure you would be able to tell that by looking at me. I've kept the reality of my struggles so well hidden that I wouldn't have even said my depression intensified over the last couple weeks. I work really hard to manage my symptoms. I really want to be able to put mental illness behind me. I don't understand why the harder I try to push the boulder over the hill, the more tired I get. If only I did one more thing differently, one more think perfectly, then perhaps I could make it to the top.
I'm not sure that's how it works, though. Depression isn't a boulder. It isn't a prison.
Depression is a being. A little, hurt, angry girl looking out for herself. I can't, therefore, "beat" depression. In fact, being on the offensive only makes that little girl lash out harder. Instead, I must walk upright and go on throughout my day with the little girl beside me. I must let her feel her intense emotions. I must comfort her when she needs it. I must let her observe laughter and joy until she begins to heal.
I saw the little girl this week. Well, first I saw her in her forties, regal and whole. Then, I saw the girl, not even eight years old, just trying to enjoy life. Her legs, unable to touch the floor of the car, swinging off the seat. Wonder and daydream filled her eyes as she looked out the window.
"I give her to you. Let her follow you around. You both have things to learn from one another."
Yesterday, I was at church working on schoolwork. A little girl was running around the atrium, whooping and hollering. My heart melted. She inspires me.
Today, I was at the college study center reading for my literature class. A tutor was walking around, lifting weights, chatting and laughing with her colleague while they waited for someone with an appointment. She inspires me.
I want to be different. I want to be changed. I want to be someone who is free to live in the moment - not in an impulsive, irresponsible way - but in a light, joyful way.
A group of us from church are reading "Try Softer" by Aundi Kolber. I'm excited to see how her understanding of Jesus's teachings can help me (and the church) live a bit more grounded and balanced. (I needed different adjectives, okay?)
Now enough procrastinating. Back to reading "The Lover" by Marguerite Duras for my quiz tomorrow. AHHG emoji.
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