To get over my writing/publishing block, I'm sharing my journaling from this morning as I waited for TMS in the hospital lobby. Time: 8:45 AM
Good morning! It's been awhile. I took a few weeks off. I'm not sure why; it wasn't a thought-out decision. Perhaps my meds & TMS slowed me down like a reset button. After being in the hospital in early May, I've been more able to chill, to just sit and be. My brain has been quieter AND still busy with trains of thought. The train cars have a bit less startle. Instead of hanging out near the tracks, I'm in a control tower. Perhaps I decided I needed a vacation from "SHOULDS and NEED-TOs and MUSTS OR ELSE". I was trying so hard to push through my depression. One can't walk upstream a lazy river forever. Perhaps I knew that once the effects of TMS kicked in, I'd be awarded a steamboat to travel upstream. So, I stepped out of the river and camped on the bank. When I feel like it, I do some hiking along the shoreline. I'm not in a hurry though. I know I will get where I want to be. It's about the journey, the moments as the come. I'm trying to enjoy being present and being kind to myself rather than strive for daily "progress" markers. I still want to achieve my goals. I know they require a lot of work, a level of grind. However, I'm still waiting for the "go ahead". I feel like a soccer player sitting on the bench. "Put me in couch", my heart calls. "Not yet", my wise mind answers back. That was June/July. Now, August feels like I'm off the bench behind the game field warming-up. Slow and steady wins the race. Progress is really routine mixed with small add-ins over time. I don't know. I'm tired. When will the technician be ready for me for TMS?
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