Hey. It's been a busy month, and yet I am glad October has gone by slower. I've been juggling a lot: physical illness, work, school, writing, hanging with friends, possible changes in therapy, changes in medication. The month started with a spiritual retreat with my friends at a lovely cabin in the woods. We star gazed, cat petted, forest walked, hammocked, pondered on Jesus's life and teachings, and discussed who we want to be as a group. My takeaway was the goal of slowing down and finding joy in the moment with whoever is around. And, I found comfort in imagining the seven of us bringing love and joy to our respective communities on a daily basis before our beings and time overlap at various hangouts. It is such a gift to have people in my life who I can be my whole self around: silly & serious and christian & queer.
Notingly, the day after I returned, I had an odd hallucination/anxiety attack that lasted for a few hours and culminated in me taking an extra dose of sleeping meds to quiet my mind. So much for inner peace, haha. It's almost like I have a mental illness that doesn't quite care that I have a healing agenda. I worked with my doctor to adjust my meds. My therapist consulted her colleagues and came to the realization that I need a different treatment approach. Overall, my bpd is being well managed. My depression and anxiety are in remission, which is allowing underlying issues previously hidden to appear. This would confuse anybody, so with the tendencies that come with bpd, something like that early Monday is likely to occur. My therapist and I have come to the agreement that I need trauma work for possible cptsd and a dissociative disorder. Each time I think to myself, "Eh, I don't have any trauma...", I laugh. It's a reality; I've experienced trauma along the spectrum from Big T to Little T. This isn't my therapists area of expertise, so I'm carefully searching for a different professional.
Change for me is difficult because change brings up painful emotions (which I feel deeply). But now, I'm better able to sit with and manage these parts of being human. I'm already in the process of grieving the loss of my relationship with my current therapist. I know that she is too, and that this is the path for my continued healing.
What else has been new this month? During my time studying at the Writing Center on campus, I overheard that there had only been one submission so far for the Scary Story writing contest. "Well, I'm not usually a creative writer, but I can't just let them win by default!", I thought. After about five different writing/editing sessions, I have completed my first entry to be submitted for review for the literary magazine. Man, I thought those lit mag kids in high school were so weird. How did they have so much to say, how were they so artsy at such a young age? I even thought my classmates in literature class were a bit pretentious for having deep thoughts about what we were reading. This just goes to show how early on my inner critic was actually an inner bully. I've always been a writer, a reader, an artist, a student. I've always been a deep feeler and deep thinker. And yet, years of invalidation from different peer groups in public school had me completely shut off from myself. (I wonder if this is similar to my experience with growing up in the bible belt and my queerness).
October has been a full month. Full of confusion and routine, new steps and new support, new relationships waxing and old ones waning.
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