All week, I have been preparing to go to a nationwide church gathering. I'm taking the train, and it includes a day-long layover in a major city. I plan to ride my one-wheel around and do some sightseeing.
The last time I passed through this city, I felt torn. On the one hand, I was thankful to be traveling again and proud of the progress I had made health-wise to be able to do so. On the other hand, I was still experiencing anxious and depressing thoughts. I was aware of my position in time and space: traveling alone in the smack middle of a continent. I was overwhelmed and this led me to feel disconnected from reality a bit. It's like I was seeing double: the city in front of me and a city without me. My usual coping skill for this derealization is to hide under my covers, where I am safe, and sleep. Not a choice when traversing a city.
I got through it. I enjoyed it. So why would this time be any worse?
My body has arguably weakened in the six months between. My suicidal thoughts have become more convincing. I'm on meds again. I'm getting TMS. I've come to depend on my PLEASE skills like my life depends on it. Routine - in food, activity, water intake, sleep, rest, interaction, solitude - helps me minimize variables in the complex equation my mental health. I'm scared of messing with the delicate balancing act. I'm unsure if I can keep it while on a trip like this. I also won't have Hobbes, my dog, for emotional support. Aaaah.
My emotional skin has thickened, though. My motivation, my internal drive is returing. I'm more sound in my identity and self worth. I know I can do this and have a good time despite the inevitable mortal enemy thoughts. Those lucky ducks get to come on vacation too. I should take my own advice, given away to a fellow bpd buddy on the internet:
Vacations are a possibility for black and white thinking. We can have all the intense emotions and also practice mindfulness. We don't have to be "well enough" to enjoy travel. Everyone supposedly gets fruatrated or worn down and their vacation isn't "perfect". And it's still an exciting experience. When we find ourselves ruminating, refocusing on the 54321 of the senses, while intentionally breathing and also listening to feel good music helps.
I've got this!
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