In the reality of the majority of my country folks electing Donald Trump, I am sad.
I am sad for their misunderstanding of the gospel, for their misplacement of hope, for the hate they might receive from neighbors. Many of them are increasingly struggling in all the ways inflation brings (to us all). I am heartbroken for the communities to which I belong. Women's bodily autonomy is back in the question. My sister shared with me a nightmare she had after the election of becoming pregnant and not having a choice in the matter. Queer folks fear the few rights their elders fought so hard for might be taken away. When I fall in love, will I be able to get married? Will my wife and I be able to have our own children? Queer kids, teenagers, and young adults in the closet are especially vulnerable now to suicidal ideation/attempts. This isn't an exaggeration. The statistics reported by the Trevor Project show that while the pandemic impacted the mental health of all, the recent polarization and increasingly loud voices of "wrong, disgusting, and God doesn't love the real you," have added to the chronic stressors of queer people - my people. I am scared. I don't want our combined communities to be the ones responsible for the death of our children. I'm out as gay. I'm rooted firm in my faith. I know where I stand with God: that Father God loves me as much as he loves all. That Mother God cries with me in the injustices I face and celebrates the love I give and receive. I have a community that accepts me as I am. And yet, this election season has me on edge. That person has an American flag on their shirt: would they accept me? Who am I safe around? And finally, I am sad for the BIPOC community and all my neighbors who have roots in other countries and now live here. I wish we could show more love as a community for them.
Each morning this week, I've woken up in a different stage of grief. Wednesday was shock/ numbness and denial at how bad things might become. Thursday was anger and irritability I couldn't place until I named it. Friday was bargaining...if I become more vocal, if I explain scripture more, if I go join a church I disagree with, if I write more, if I explain why as a queer person death isn't the only path to freedom from intense hurt.. Saturday was a sadness deep in my bones that I felt seep into my blood throughout the day. And today, I finally have a moment of rest from work to be able to practice the skill of radical acceptance.
The song, "Peace like a River" is playing on a loop in my head.
I've got, peace like a river, I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul. Except they're building a dam and the stream is tricklin', but I've got peace like a river in my soul.
I've got, joy like a fountain, I've got joy like a fountain, I've got joy like a fountain in my soul. It's a fountain in a square in a city war tear-ed, but I've got joy like a fountain in my soul.
I've got love like the ocean, I've got love like the ocean, I've got love like the ocean in my soul. With climate change, it's gonna rise as the water's misplaced. I've got love like the ocean in my soul.
I've got peace like a river, I've got joy like a fountain, I've got love like an ocean in my soul.
With the building of the dams and the city in a jam, with the glacial waters melting and the decreasing shorelines sending people running, ahhh, I've got peace like a river in my soul.
Sigh...As it is Sunday, and I'm about to be on my way to church to grieve and pray and sing in community, I'd like to place here the loving words of the Jesus us Christians all aim to follow, and whose principles I believe align with the majority of my neighbors and country folks already...
Found recorded in the Book of Matthew, chapter 5:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit
and blessed are those who mourn.
Blessed are the meek
and blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.
Blessed are the merciful
and blessed are the pure in heart.
Blessed are the peacemakers
and blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness.
Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil
against you falsely on my account.
Rejoice - find joy again* - and be glad - be delighted, relighted - for your reward is great in
heaven - how many have you loved and shown the open gates of love to - for in the same
way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
*my annotations
I dream that one day, we can see the rainbow of our differences, and see it all as the light that it is. I dream that one day we can celebrate our differences and our common humanity. That we can be neighbors and friends and family with all. It's not that easy. It's not that simple. There is a lot of work to bring all these wrongs to the surface and get justice for decades and centuries of inequality. I dream, I live in the hope, that eventually, we will get there.
I'm sure I'll cycle through all the stages of grief again in the next few weeks. Life and "unprecedented times" are like that.
Dear God, may you be with me in my intense emotions, may I be numb/dissociate for the times I need to get things done, and may I feel the emotions again when I need to.
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