It's been a good week.
Friday - TMS via onewheel, walked Hobbes, work via onewheel
Saturday - walked Hobbes & Lilo, ran 1 mile with mom, brunch & bookstore with 2 new friends, work via onewheel
Sunday - church via onewheel & paddle boarded, swam, and disc golfed with new group
Monday - TMS via onewheel, walked Hobbes, work via onewheel
Tuesday - TMS via onewheel, walked Hobbes, work via onewheel (until a massive headache came on)
Wednesday - bible study, TMS, walked Hobbes, hung out with my brother, book club, game night, and crashed at a friend's for the night
Thursday - breakfast, TMS (the last official one!), support group, walked Hobbes
Not only was my body able to handle doing all these activities, my mind was able to enjoy them. For the most part, my mortal enemy thoughts have been on vacation (possibly pondering early retirement?). For the past six months, I've been working on seeing a future worth living. Which has been great, and that work is necessary. However, this can and has stirred up mucky suffering. I don't have the future, I only have the now. What's kept me going has been this hope of "one day things will feel better". Each progress marker in therapy and daily life has been a closing of the hope gap between the future and the present. This past month has been the first time in years that I have felt okay, nay I say great, for an extended time. This last week has been great. What's even better is that the week in New Orleans was great. I even felt great while having covid. Perhaps a better word for great is esteemed. My self esteem has been found. For my 24th birthday, I was given a children's book: You will Always Belong. There's a line in there that says "You belong! You do. That's always been true. You've belonged to yourself since you were tiny and new." At some point, after years of rejection from peers and family, I rejected myself. It's been nice relearning who I am this summer.
AHH gotta go or I'll be late to my support group.
To summarize:
I have lived with hope beating inside my chest 99% of moments this past week. Am I recovered? No. I'm still going to struggle. If I've learned anything, I've got more chutes to slide down. But, it's okay. I've got my own back.
(AHH it's cheesy and it's true. I feel discomfort admitting to positive feelings.)
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