Hi. It's been about ten days. I've felt quite meh: uninspired, non-enthusiastic. I finished my official treatment of TMS. I had three weeks of energy, excitement, and activity. In all the busyness, I forgot to continue scheduling out social events. While it was nice to spend time each day walking Hobbes and cleaning around the house, I felt panicky about my writing avoidance. My body was sore from the exertion. A couple days of rest went by. And then a few more. An object at rest stays at rest. I stayed at rest. If I were a pendulum, I swung from "go go go" to a couch potato.
My mortal enemy thoughts returned. I was vulnerable from my physical tiredness. I didn't prioritize eating healthy - opting for snacks and deserts. I spent more time indoors in my bed. I received news I was not an interview candidate for Ikea. After my visit to UC Blue Ash, it seemed more likely I was not going to be able to take classes this upcoming semester. It had been a week without my parents and a week without a therapy session. I still went to work. I still went to the couple social engagements that occur on a weekly basis. The voices of worthlessness and hopelessness returned. I clung to the knowledge that feelings aren't facts. I used radical acceptance and mindfulness to thought. I reminded myself that feelings are temporary; I've felt happier and more connected in the past, and I will feel those ways again.
What forces knocked me back into motion? Hmm. I enrolled in classes Thursday. My therapist responded to the news Friday. Work last night was difficult; I was sleepy (and only 90 minutes into my shift!) I drank a can of double shot espresso. I texted and made plans with a friend. I pushed through and folded SO MANY shirts. My mother and brother waited to go to bed until I got home; they were excited to see me and say goodnight. The cattle dog, Lilo, slept with me again. (Maybe she is the secret ingredient). I woke up groggy, but with resolve. I took my meds, drank my V8s, and sat outside on the back patio while the dogs made their morning rounds.
I took a quick shower and then I took the dogs on a walk. I got back in time to hop in the car. My dad, mom, brother and I went out for breakfast. They were annoying as usual AND I had missed them. It was good to spend time with them. We are all on our own schedule and don't usually eat meals together at home.
I spent time reading when we returned home. Hobbes sat next to me on my bed. Then, my brother and I drove downtown to the newly renovated library. It's really neat; it reminds me of the majestic Fayetteville Public Library back in NWA. I may have my brother take a picture of me to post on Insta. Although he hates downtown Cinci and libraries, I bribed him with restocking his nerf foam bullet balls. He's working on a project and lost the seven we had at home. My new friend, who is also a writer, is sitting opposite me while we work on our separate writing pieces.
A quick update on my morning pages: I've changed them to daily pages that way I don't feel the pressure to write first thing. I've noticed I wake up with a dose of dread, so getting a few mindless to-do list tasks out of the way first helps me build my daily hopefulness. Then, I need to be able to practice mindfulness and opposite action and write. The last five days my daily pages are about four sentences long before I give up. At least I'm doing something. It's hard to write anything when my mortal enemy thoughts whisper "you don't matter."
This blog post isn't perfect, but it's another mile in the training of running a marathon.
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